Administration Considers Alternate Attack Plan ? Cheaper, Easier Alternative Under Scrutiny
Jonathan Huston

Washington D.C. ? Facing substantial obstacles to its plans to attack Iraq, a senior Bush administration official has disclosed that Pentagon officials are secretly reviewing alternate war plans. No full disclosure of these plans has yet been made, but the unnamed official, commenting on the condition of anonymity, disclosed that all planning efforts are progressing with the realization that the opposition to an armed conflict with Iraq is growing. "Basically, we're all starting to realize that the justification for an attack is just too thin, even for the American Public," the official said. "We want to come up with alternative plans to identify, attack, defeat and thoroughly humiliate an enemy in time for the elections."

Asked about timing, the senior official responded, "We won't make the same mistakes we've made before. The first George Bush learned that lesson the hard way, and we?ve explained the concept to his son. We want to have everyone rallying around the flag on election day, and avoid un-American influences such as the economy, unemployment, and healthcare on the elections."

When asked about possible targets, the official explained that the justification for attacking Iraq had been a link between al Qaeda terrorists and an Iraqi intelligence official. "That link was thinner than the President's margin of victory in the last election. We're going to attack a state with known terrorists ? one where the proof is irrefutable and available for all to see."

The administration has faced significant barriers to a war with Iraq, including potentially high American military and Iraqi civilian casualties, almost unanimous international objection, hesitation from the United Nations, concerns about the war's effect on the price of oil and other markets, and objections from prominent republican luminaries. To surmount these obstacles, sources indicate the administration is preparing plans for an attack on the home of the recently arrested terrorists. "We'll probably establish a no-fly zone south of the Adirondacks, but our B-52s will turn Upstate to glass. It'll be a whole lot cheaper than the $200 billion required to attack Iraq, and we won't have to get approval from those meddlers at the U.N." said the source. ?Besides, maybe we'll find oil once we clear out the terrorists. And if we don't, there are always those trees we can cut down. That'll help us meet several administration goals at once."

Asked about the threat of weapons of mass-destruction, sources indicated that Union Carbide facilities in upstate New York represent initial targets for the first wave of attacks. Preliminary plans call for civilians be warned by aircraft that will drop "Don't Mess with Texas" bumper stickers prior to the invasion.

Administration officials are expected to fan out to all the networks next Sunday to sell the plan. Condoleeza Rice, Colin Powell and Donald Rumsfield will be appearing on CNN, MSNBC and CBS, respectively. George Will will continue to represent the administration's interests on ABC.